Maybe it's the existential place I'm in as I quickly approach my "dirty 30," or the cabin fever finally setting in deep enough after quarantining myself for four straight days now from the rest of human civilization while I fight off strain # 274,961,354 of the illtakeyouthefuckdown cold that's been so prevalent this season. Whatever it is, I can guarantee it's not because of the awesome meds my doctor gave me yesterday (although I wish I could attribute it to that if it meant my head would deflate from the size a Betty Boop balloon back to normal and my nasal drip would stop competing with the flow of Niagara Falls).
But I digress (get used to that).
What I'm talking about is why in the hell I've decided that now is the time to blow the dust off the ol' blog that hasn't been in existence for several years. Welp, (yes, Marc...that IS how it's spelled) the answer is....
drum roll please...
Meh. I don't know. And I don't really need to know. I just need to know that my head is full of zipping thoughts.
I often find that the process of moving the thoughts from my head to my fingers allows for me to slow my brain enough to make sense of the jumbled mess that currently resembles what a new knitting project would look like if a kitten got a hold of it (I don't know why that popped in my head, but it's a relatively accurate visual of my brain activity right now). I will put the disclaimer out there that my last blog entries were for the soul purpose of checking in and allowing my family and friends to rest easy knowing that I wasn't whisked away to the red light district while traveling solo in Southeast Asia. Any entries here on out, however, are simply to express what can't be summed up in a Spacebook update or chirped in a Tweeter message (I'm pretty sure I just nailed the social media lingo right there...bam!). No, This is simply my process, with a couple seeds for planting in your own brain...if you so choose. That is all. In fact, you can chalk up blogs as annoying and close this window right now and I won't know the difference or even care for that matter. That's the glory of these here interwebs. Perceived freedom to see and do what we please.
So off we go...
BOSTON.
Yes, I know it's on everyone's minds. Yes, I know FB was littered with "prayers" and kind thoughts, etc. for all those affected by the absolutely horrific events that occurred yesterday. I myself had to turn off NPR and the computer all together at 5 pm, open all the doors and windows of this little space called home, and let the sunshine and spring air wrap me in the security of the good in the world today. I won't Mister Rogers you since we all know by now what his mother told him (if you don't know, go to a friend of a friend of a friend's Facebook page and I guarantee you'll find it), but I will say that I was reminded yesterday of just how much good there is in this little life we're all living...you just have to choose to let that be your focus.
I watched my dog a lot today. Not in the way I usually do. Normally she's commanding my attention by being the little tweaker that that she is, herding me in circles or violently heaving her frisbee at me until she's so tuckered I swear her little legs will fall off. No, today I watched her in appreciation of the way she lives in every moment. The peanut butter lick with her morning antibiotic pill was the best ever...just like yesterday's was "the best ever." She laid on her bed this afternoon and took in each and every one of the scents sprinkling their way in through the open window, her nose twitching back and forth, eyebrows reacting to the smell of tacos wafting through the air or the "this is my sign post" message left by the black lab that walked by this morning. On our afternoon walk she frolicked about with her little nub of a bunny tail cruisin' at easily 200 rpm's. She picked up sticks, threw them at me, dove into the fast and cold river water chasing them, lost them, moved on to the next stick, lost that one (this continued on until she cleared the whole beach of sticks. Eyesight isn't her strong suit), and generally gallivanted about as her usual happy self. Life was simple. She had me, I had her, and life was good because quite simply, we were living. And it made me think (go figure), that animals don't live life knowing the're going to die. Or rather perhaps they know, but they certainly don't live their lives thinking about it. Every moment is just as it should be because they aren't focused on yesterday, tomorrow, or even the inevitable end. They are simply living. And that is all they need.
I know our worlds have been rocked by the tragic deaths of many just this year alone. The acts of continued senseless violence are not only deeply saddening, but they shake our foundation of safety and freedom that we all rely so heavily on. That is, our "perceived" sense of safety and freedom. Yes, I am lucky to have been raised in an environment where I don't need to armor up to let my dog outside at 2 am. Where I can go for a run in the dark past 7 pm as a single female, and I can walk to the grocery store at 10 pm for a pint of B&J's if I so choose with no worries (thankfully, I'm lactose intolerant or I'd easily be 450 lbs because that there cookie dough rocks my world). But that can all just as easily be taken away from me at any point. My perceived sense of security is just that: perceived. When something unexpected shakes our world, our security blanket is stripped from us and we're exposed. Vulnerable. It's easy then to grasp onto the notion of control and never want to let it go. We begin to live our lives in routine, thinking that somehow allows for more safety because it simple lessens the chance of feeling uncomfortable. But when we choose to let fear define us, we begin to lose the option of truly living.
I can't live my life in fear, just as you and you and you can't (yes, I'm giving YOU the Uncle Sam finger point). We can only choose to live. Sure, I'm well aware of how cliche that sounds but it's so simple when you really pare it down. And I don't mean in the way of, "hey, if you don't like your job, what are you doing wasting your life?! Quit it!" No...that's just nonsense. Mostly, because a lot of us have shitloads of debt. But hey, how about this: If you really don't like your job, then just don't make it your life! There is so much to life that we let fly by us. If we really are doing it right, we'll be sad to let it go, to knowingly part with the adventure when we feel it coming to an end. But we won't be living KNOWING the end is coming...because, as Rags (my dog) so (not) eloquently exhibits, that is not truly living.
So relish in the small things.
Let the juicy peach run down your arm in the summer without racing to stop it from "ruining" your shirt.
Take naps.
Sit in the sunshine, on the ground, without worrying about getting yourself dirty.
GET yourself dirty (it feels damn good).
Walk in the rain.
Hand write notes to those you love (never underestimate the power of a handwritten note).
Spread kindness (buy someone a coffee, leave $ in a washing machine, leave a flower on a car, buy the postman a hot drink in the winter, volunteer, or compliment a stranger).
Smile.
Hug dogs.
Eat mangoes.
Cherish your friendships
Run fast, and slow, and feel yourself breathing simply because you can.
Love. A lot.
Eat real food.
Eat fresh guacamole. Don't be afraid to ask for another serving.
Paint, even if you think you're terrible.
Roll in fresh grass and embrace the stains.
Let yourself be silly.
Let yourself fall to pieces...then rebuild.
Eat local raw honey by the spoonfuls (what?? Who would do that? Ummm...not me).
Do things that make you uncomfortable...every damn day!
Ride a bicycle (I'll push mountain biking on you eventually, but I'll leave it at that for now).
Climb trees.
Climb mountains.
Take good care of each other.
Read.
Get lost in the woods.
And FEEL. Let yourself feel vulnerable, scared, terrified, afraid. Just let it be there. Let it be known, and accept it. We can't take away the bad. We don't have that much power. We can only incorporate it into who we are.
Live simply (thank you, Patagonia, for forever commercializing that lovely phrase...boo on you). Choose consciously to find delight, love, and soul raising practices each day while accepting the negatives that we just can't control. I mean, just ask Rags. She didn't get that pork chop she wanted tonight, but boy did she delight in that single almond she got after dinner (I know this because she chewed that one damn nut easily 92 times...and even left a nib for my bare foot to step on. So sweet of her!).
Now go eat that mango,
A
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